Bonny Edinburgh

Yep, Edinburgh did knock my socks off!

The national animal 🦄

It's a very pretty city with a very interesting history, some of which I have to share!

Hiked up Arthur's Seat

The national animal of Scotland is famously the unicorn. If you ever wondered why, well it's because the Scots didn't really get along with the Poms (who the hell did?? 😂) so when the English picked the lion to be their national animal the Scots had to go one better.

Around the same time that lions had been discovered in that part of the world there was yarns making the rounds of a powerful creature, far greater than the lion - the unicorn!

And that's why the unicorn is Scotland's national animal!

Now this is a story about a man who lived in Edinburgh called Brodie Deacon and he was a mad cunt! He had a wife and kids, as well as four mistresses and more kids, and to his credit he supported them all. He was also a gambler by pleasure and a locksmith by trade. Being a locksmith came in very handy because through this he was able to support his lifestyle... by breaking into rich people's homes and robbing them blind!

He would use his key to open the door, grab what he wanted, then lock the door behind him.

He only robbed the rich but he was no Robin Hood, he kept the money for himself.

And the rich people were not having that at all! So they formed a task force and needed someone with expertise to lead said taskforce, so they asked the ONLY locksmith in town - Brodie Deacon.

And Brodie Deacon spent the next 16 years trying to capture the dastardly thief... who was himself...

Fucking champ bloke!!

After 16 years he decides to relax a bit and outsources his thieving to other, lower class, unsavoury sorts. They just had to unlock the door, steal steal steal, then lock the door behind them. But one of them cocks up and gets caught and to avoid the noose he rats out all the others except Brodie Deacon.

But old mate at this point is getting worried he'll be found out so he scarpers to Amsterdam. And because he's family oriented he writes to his women to let them know what's happened (because he's not a shit cunt who ghosts people).

Only Brodie Deacon manages to get the letters and the envelopes mixed up and the justice system ain't got nothing on a pissed off woman! His wife and mistress go straight to the coppers with the letters and next thing you know Brodie Deacon is swinging off the gallows he himself paid for... poor bastard loved a good hanging!

😂😂😂

Fuck, that story's a cracker!

Another is about Maggie Dickson. She was a bonny lass in an unhappy marriage, so she took off to Edinburgh and found work at an inn. She found a bit more there too with the innkeepers son! And soon she was up the duff.

Now, back in the day adultery was a crime punishable by death and concealing a pregnancy was also punishable by death because... well, the world hates women (as the US is currently showing us).

But Maggie was not just a pretty face it seemed because she did keep the pregnancy concealed and carried to term. Sadly her wee bairn was stillborn. So she carries her child to the river but can't bring herself to dispose of her baby like a bit of dried crust from a bland sandwich, so she leaves the child on the bank but she's seen by someone.

She gets arrested, gets tried, and gets hanged in the town square.

Her body gets tossed on the death cart (that's what I'm calling it, I have no idea the correct term) and sent out to be buried. Halfway through the journey she sits up and the driver shat his daks I'm sure!

They turn around and she's standing in front of the authorities once again and people are itching for another hanging - two for the price of one as it were.

However a lawyer stands up and argues that Maggie Dickson's already been charged and punished for her crimes so cannot be charged again, double jeopardy and all that. So she walks free.

And being legally dead turned out to be a real boon for Maggie. Being dead meant she was no longer legally binded to her husband and she ended up marrying the very same lawyer who saved her life. It also meant she didn't have to pay rent or taxes!

I think Maggie must've lived a very happy life.

And apparently she loved to attend the hangings in town and torment the poor bastards about to swing, yelling things like "oh c'mon it's not that bad. I've done it!"

And Edinburgh bestowed upon Maggie the highest honour a Scotsman can receive... they named a pub after her and it's still there in Grassmarkets.

This is a graveyard open to the public like a park

So those are two of my new favourite stories. Thank you, Edinburgh!

Actually just one more. This one about Bobby Greyfriars.

Way back when there was a graveyard guard who had a little dog who did the nightly rounds with him - Bobby. For two years they patrolled the graveyard, keeping it safe from body snatchers, until the guard keeled over and died. They buried him in the graveyard and Bobby stayed by his grave day after day. Even when he was chased or kicked away he would sneak back in and eventually the monks, who had grown very fond of this little dog, successfully advocated to let him stay in the graveyward close to his owner. They didn't want to register him as they didn't think it was right to claim anyone but the dead man as his owner, so Bobby was made a citizen! Technically he had voting rights 80 years before women did!

And when Bobby died 14 years later they couldn't bury him in the graveyard as it was forbidden to bury animals there, so to get around that they pushed back the wall so he could be buried within the gates.

There's a statue of Bobby (and a fair few pubs in his honour on the street outside) where people leave sticks for him. Make sure you break the stick in half so Bobby can play with the ghost of it!

🥹🥰

As you can see learned heaps in my two night stay there.

Some famous locals are:

Robert Louis Stevenson, author of Treasure Island (one of my favourite books).

The guy who developed the fire department and fire safety/procedures that we all still use today. Can't remember his name sadly.

The guy who discovered chloroform. Before that there was no anaesthetic. Absolute fucking legend!

Bow down to the man who discovered chloroform

The guy who developed the modern day police force, Robert Peeler. Hence why policemen used to be known as peelers and are still affectionately known as bobbies.

Robert Burns the poet, and lady killer from all accounts.

And of course my favourite Bond, Sean Connery.

If you ever get the chance visit Edinburgh, maybe wait until off season though... I cracked the shits yesterday just from the sheer amount of people around me and the dropkicks who bumped into me! Being the size of the fucking sidewalk doesn't mean you own it, fuck ya!

And if you ever get the chance get some whisky flavoured ice cream. OMG I could've eaten a tub of that 🤤

But even after all that I still think I like Glascow better!