Oia To Vigo

Hola peoples

There is a few things to tell you since I wrote last.

Lets kick it off with my visit to the hospital last night.

I was in my hotel room inspecting my blisters when I noticed my right pinky toe was looking a little... dark. I decided to inspect closer and realised I could not feel anything... at all...

So I shat me dacks as I'm wont to do when apendages of mine blacken and numben. Then an Angel took me to the hospital.

Actually his name was Jose Angel (pronounced An-hel) and he was my taxi driver, and he spoke very little english but using his translation app he asked me what's wrong, if I'd like him to stay and he helped me with the hospital admin. Then he didn't even charge me for the return ride. Well I couldn't not tip him for his kindness. Muchos gracias, señor Angel!

As for my toes, those poor mangled bastards, the nurse looked positively bored while fixing me up. She must see a case a week of fucked up Camino tootsies.

She told me it's normal to lose feeling and she dressed both that and the ugly big bastard on my left foot. She also told me I can keep walking but not with the boots I'm currently wearing.

And that's when the penny finally dropped.

My hiking boots.

My super comfy waterproof hiking boots.

WATER. PROOF!

Fuck me, Caitlin, do you wipe before you shit too??

No wonder my feet have been in utter agony this whole time. No wonder my blisters have only been getting worse. My fucking boots are fucking waterproof. Which created a swimming pool for each foot on the first day when I walked 4 hours in the rain. And a lovely sauna every other day!

My feet can not breathe in shoes built to keep the water out. Newsflash, they also keep the water in.

So it didn't matter that I was taking three or so stops everyday to air my feet out and dry them off, they were going back in the boots to keep walking The Way.

No fucking wonder why I was hobbling along almost crippled with every step that felt like a million needles stabbing into me!

I couldn't figure out why no one else was hobbling along, suffering as I was. Here I was thinking I was weaker than everyone else.

And this is just so completely typical of my life. The symbolism is so strong it nearly fucking choked me and I went back to my hotel room and cried.

I am not weaker than anyone else on this walk. I just didn't have the right supportive shoes. I was doing el Camino on hard mode!

Ding. Ding. Ding!

I was never failing at this life because I was living it on hard mode!

If you've not guessed at this point I am a childhood abuse survivor and it wasn't until my 30s that I realised my childhood was not normal and I was not weak for living life in survivor mode (always scared, depressed, anxious, deep dark horrid thoughts, very bad coping mechanisms that included self harm). I berated myself for being weak and just kept pushing myself to keep going.

I did the exact same with the walking. Instead of thinking there's something wrong here I thought I was weak and I kept pushing myself until my poor little toe turned black and went numb.

The shoes are interesting symbolism too. Something I love, that feel so comfortable and warm, are actually not supportive on my journey at all and are doing a lot of damage. But I didn't realise it.

I can say the same for my relationship with most men.

So I've decided I'm going to carry these boots to Santiago de Compostela and leave them there. It's apparently customery to leave a part of yourself behind when you complete el Camino. These boots (and the names of a few men written on peices of paper stuffed inside) will be left behind and I will continue my journey without them.

So, much to my amazement, turns out I am on a real proper pilgrimage.

I honestly thought because I am not religious that it would be more a physical challenge (fucking is that) and a mental one, with some nice sightseeing thrown in.

But no, I am meeting my old faith head on, and unpacking my current beliefs, and I guess building a new kind of faith. Who knows.

It's been an incredibly painful journey so far, but hopefully the rest of the walk is easier with the new sandals I bought.

Adios amigos

Had to make an alteration to walk today